Palsy and I - a temporary relationship.
17-05-2020
Sunday
Kohima
What looked like another normal day to most people on 11th of May, 2020 I woke to a sullied morning of irritating sensation on my left eye and a compressed lips on the left. Little did I know what was to happen next. The dryness and itchiness of the eye and inability to stretch my face on the left portion of my head went throughout the day but I took it to be a normal thing and thought it would go away by the moment. I also thought of my existing toothache to be the root cause of it since it had been there for as long as I could possibly remember after the dentist had suggested the last December to have it removed only after the winter vacation in order to avoid, should there be any inconveniences aftermath of the dental surgery. That led to delays and delays and then down came the dreaded Covid-19 pandemic that took the world by storm and hence the lockdown.
I had bailed on many things on many occasions and this was one to count. It looked normal to me somehow because I wasn't told of what it was by anyone yet. In fact, I hadn't told anyone at home about it and surprisingly no one noticed it because the lockdown had kept everyone cluttered at home that we hardly forced ourselves to look in the face and talk now. Haha.
And I kept little or no room to be worried or anxious about it because I didn't want to hang anyone's emotion on the wall and leave them worried or tensed, especially my mother. I had no intention to gift her my problems right after she had celebrated her special day - Mother's Day - at least a day off of my problems for her to deal with, I surmised. That wasn't doing me any good for sure though.
The following day felt to me like everything was falling into an oasis of misfortunes and failed opportunities. By evening I had looked into the mirror probably more than I did my entire life and had tried convincing myself that it still was as normal as anyone had woken on the 11th of May eventhough the left portion of my face looked distorted and bruised by now. I still had no idea about it neither did I do any research on the internet.
My parents had reached home from their leisure gardening some kilometres away and by that time I had already made up my mind to keep them informed. I wasn't hesitant in the first place. I just hoped it would be normal. But looks like some 'normals' come with expiry dates.
"I think I have a problem with my left eye and the left portion of my lips." I apprised my mom casually by the kitchen fire after dinner that evening.
"Maybe it is because of your tooth. We should see the dentist ASAP then." She remarked.
I still remember, the next day rolled in as if there was a feast over my insecurities and shame. The cicadas on the trees sounded as if they were jeering and merrying at my imminent pain and hardships.
I was accompanied by both my parents and we headed to the same dentist downtown hoping he wasn't on a vacation still.
What the dentist said upon examining me drove my confidence away into the dark tunnel.
"The left portion of the face is paralyzed" he said looking at my mom as if I had magically disappeared in the air and he couldn't see me.
"Can't you be more specific as to why it has been paralyzed?" I screamed at him inside my head. The word 'paralyzed' was shuddering me.
He sank heavily in his God-knows-how-old reclining chair and began writing on the registration card.
Moments later, he handed the card and recommended that we should consult the ENT doctor either at Oking Hospital or Bethel Hospital.
"Take these medicines along" he applied one of his marketing strategies.
We plodded out feeling lost and confused. Dad has been waiting outside the entire time since the space was incapacitated with more than 4 people already inside. Mom told dad of the condition and suggested to go to Bethel immediately. I sensed her scornful expression by the way she called out the hospital name because it was in Oking Hospital that my elder sister underwent wrong operation which resulted in an instant death 8 years ago. A tragedy that marked my family with terror and scarred us for forever.
Even so, the dentist had also recommended us to a doctor at Bethel and reassured that he was a good one. With nothing much of an expectation in hand but with great hope we hailed a taxi and cruised our way uptown.
The way up felt like eternity eventhough there were hardly any cars plying on the upward lane that my impatience began wearing out with every gust of wind hitting my face. It was a feeling of a betrayal that life was about to offer me. It had handed me the ticket to it already. The dentist have written 'facial paralysis - advised for x-ray and tfyrhkeodhm' on the card and each time I read it it felt as if my whole life was paralyzed sine die.
I was longing for a reboot button somewhere on my body that I could simply push it and get back to "NORMAL" just the way smartphones are designed with.
At the hospital the receptionist entered my details on the registration card and told us to wait outside of OPD-8 room. There were many other people alongside the frail, fatigued and dying patients in the wide waiting area with their faces towards their respective desired doctors rooms longing to be redeemed from their sicknesses and diseases.
I let out a huge sigh and sat down as if to meditate with my eyes shut. Had to force my left eye to shut because it won't by itself. After a close call to half an hour of waiting a fairly rounded faced nurse assistant walked up to the door and called out a name.
"Sutsangmeren...sutsangmeren" she called twice.
I responded by raising my hand and wondered if it was actually my name that was called out because my name has a 'mew' at the end and not 'meren' as indicated on the card she was holding. But I was so poised to talk to the doctor that I had no doubt the name on the card was mine which had erroneously been entered at the reception. Once mom and I entered the doctor's room I was asked to sit on the chair right on the left of the doctor. I sat there and waited anxiously.
The doctor then turned towards me and started speaking in Ao dialect which wasn't a good start to meeting a doctor for me. I nearly corrected him right there but waited for him to complete his words. I started talking in Nagamese about my problems to which he interrupted me asking "Ki manu ase apni?" He thought of me to be from Ao community because the receptionist's version of my name indicated a sliver of such a name and the former had just presumed my ethnicity by it.
I wanted the doctor to assure me that it would be fine and be normal in few days time. That was the only consolation I felt I needed the most right now. I was expecting a lot more. My spirit was low and my energy completely dry to my bones.
"One of your nerves is weak and it would take 3 to 6 months at the most to recover. Some people recover early while some takes time. Don't worry. You'll have to undergo a physiotherapy for 10 days and report it to me by 25th of May okay? Today is 13th...." He mumbled in his surgical mask and began writing in the most ugliest handwriting the names of the medicines I was about to take for the next 10 days or so.
"What about the tooth?" Mom asked.
"Be well with the paralysis first and the tooth thing will come slowly" He replied disdainfully.
My hope was shrinking with every breath. I was panicky and worried I might end up wearing a deformed face thenceforth.
He wrote a chit and directed us to approach the receptionist and then to the physiotherapist.
I wrung my energy out my bones to smile and sound cheerful talking to my parents but my voice dropped and came back feeble in my ears.
"Heal me, O lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise." ~ Jeremiah 17:14
This verse came to my mind. It was easier to remember because I had read this particular verse prolly a hundred times as an intercessory prayer for the Catechists at Mt. Tabor some months back. And I had never stopped reading this verse ever since I knew I was diagnosed with Facial Palsy.
I have heard of miracles and this is one to count as well!
I have been massaging as directed by him.
And
It's been two days now (after missing a day of therapy) that I've been to the physiotherapist and I already want to throw up.
Initially, I loved the beeping sound coming out of his machine but as I realized, ironically, each beep took the lives out of my face bit by bit as much as it stimulated back lives into my nerves. The therapist himself had told me that I would recover slowly but, and quote verbatim: "it is unlikely that you'll ever....."
And I hate him for saying that.
Sunday
Kohima
What looked like another normal day to most people on 11th of May, 2020 I woke to a sullied morning of irritating sensation on my left eye and a compressed lips on the left. Little did I know what was to happen next. The dryness and itchiness of the eye and inability to stretch my face on the left portion of my head went throughout the day but I took it to be a normal thing and thought it would go away by the moment. I also thought of my existing toothache to be the root cause of it since it had been there for as long as I could possibly remember after the dentist had suggested the last December to have it removed only after the winter vacation in order to avoid, should there be any inconveniences aftermath of the dental surgery. That led to delays and delays and then down came the dreaded Covid-19 pandemic that took the world by storm and hence the lockdown.
I had bailed on many things on many occasions and this was one to count. It looked normal to me somehow because I wasn't told of what it was by anyone yet. In fact, I hadn't told anyone at home about it and surprisingly no one noticed it because the lockdown had kept everyone cluttered at home that we hardly forced ourselves to look in the face and talk now. Haha.
And I kept little or no room to be worried or anxious about it because I didn't want to hang anyone's emotion on the wall and leave them worried or tensed, especially my mother. I had no intention to gift her my problems right after she had celebrated her special day - Mother's Day - at least a day off of my problems for her to deal with, I surmised. That wasn't doing me any good for sure though.
The following day felt to me like everything was falling into an oasis of misfortunes and failed opportunities. By evening I had looked into the mirror probably more than I did my entire life and had tried convincing myself that it still was as normal as anyone had woken on the 11th of May eventhough the left portion of my face looked distorted and bruised by now. I still had no idea about it neither did I do any research on the internet.
My parents had reached home from their leisure gardening some kilometres away and by that time I had already made up my mind to keep them informed. I wasn't hesitant in the first place. I just hoped it would be normal. But looks like some 'normals' come with expiry dates.
"I think I have a problem with my left eye and the left portion of my lips." I apprised my mom casually by the kitchen fire after dinner that evening.
"Maybe it is because of your tooth. We should see the dentist ASAP then." She remarked.
I still remember, the next day rolled in as if there was a feast over my insecurities and shame. The cicadas on the trees sounded as if they were jeering and merrying at my imminent pain and hardships.
I was accompanied by both my parents and we headed to the same dentist downtown hoping he wasn't on a vacation still.
What the dentist said upon examining me drove my confidence away into the dark tunnel.
"The left portion of the face is paralyzed" he said looking at my mom as if I had magically disappeared in the air and he couldn't see me.
"Can't you be more specific as to why it has been paralyzed?" I screamed at him inside my head. The word 'paralyzed' was shuddering me.
He sank heavily in his God-knows-how-old reclining chair and began writing on the registration card.
Moments later, he handed the card and recommended that we should consult the ENT doctor either at Oking Hospital or Bethel Hospital.
"Take these medicines along" he applied one of his marketing strategies.
We plodded out feeling lost and confused. Dad has been waiting outside the entire time since the space was incapacitated with more than 4 people already inside. Mom told dad of the condition and suggested to go to Bethel immediately. I sensed her scornful expression by the way she called out the hospital name because it was in Oking Hospital that my elder sister underwent wrong operation which resulted in an instant death 8 years ago. A tragedy that marked my family with terror and scarred us for forever.
Even so, the dentist had also recommended us to a doctor at Bethel and reassured that he was a good one. With nothing much of an expectation in hand but with great hope we hailed a taxi and cruised our way uptown.
The way up felt like eternity eventhough there were hardly any cars plying on the upward lane that my impatience began wearing out with every gust of wind hitting my face. It was a feeling of a betrayal that life was about to offer me. It had handed me the ticket to it already. The dentist have written 'facial paralysis - advised for x-ray and tfyrhkeodhm' on the card and each time I read it it felt as if my whole life was paralyzed sine die.
I was longing for a reboot button somewhere on my body that I could simply push it and get back to "NORMAL" just the way smartphones are designed with.
At the hospital the receptionist entered my details on the registration card and told us to wait outside of OPD-8 room. There were many other people alongside the frail, fatigued and dying patients in the wide waiting area with their faces towards their respective desired doctors rooms longing to be redeemed from their sicknesses and diseases.
I let out a huge sigh and sat down as if to meditate with my eyes shut. Had to force my left eye to shut because it won't by itself. After a close call to half an hour of waiting a fairly rounded faced nurse assistant walked up to the door and called out a name.
"Sutsangmeren...sutsangmeren" she called twice.
I responded by raising my hand and wondered if it was actually my name that was called out because my name has a 'mew' at the end and not 'meren' as indicated on the card she was holding. But I was so poised to talk to the doctor that I had no doubt the name on the card was mine which had erroneously been entered at the reception. Once mom and I entered the doctor's room I was asked to sit on the chair right on the left of the doctor. I sat there and waited anxiously.
The doctor then turned towards me and started speaking in Ao dialect which wasn't a good start to meeting a doctor for me. I nearly corrected him right there but waited for him to complete his words. I started talking in Nagamese about my problems to which he interrupted me asking "Ki manu ase apni?" He thought of me to be from Ao community because the receptionist's version of my name indicated a sliver of such a name and the former had just presumed my ethnicity by it.
I wanted the doctor to assure me that it would be fine and be normal in few days time. That was the only consolation I felt I needed the most right now. I was expecting a lot more. My spirit was low and my energy completely dry to my bones.
"One of your nerves is weak and it would take 3 to 6 months at the most to recover. Some people recover early while some takes time. Don't worry. You'll have to undergo a physiotherapy for 10 days and report it to me by 25th of May okay? Today is 13th...." He mumbled in his surgical mask and began writing in the most ugliest handwriting the names of the medicines I was about to take for the next 10 days or so.
"What about the tooth?" Mom asked.
"Be well with the paralysis first and the tooth thing will come slowly" He replied disdainfully.
My hope was shrinking with every breath. I was panicky and worried I might end up wearing a deformed face thenceforth.
He wrote a chit and directed us to approach the receptionist and then to the physiotherapist.
I wrung my energy out my bones to smile and sound cheerful talking to my parents but my voice dropped and came back feeble in my ears.
"Heal me, O lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise." ~ Jeremiah 17:14
This verse came to my mind. It was easier to remember because I had read this particular verse prolly a hundred times as an intercessory prayer for the Catechists at Mt. Tabor some months back. And I had never stopped reading this verse ever since I knew I was diagnosed with Facial Palsy.
I have heard of miracles and this is one to count as well!
I have been massaging as directed by him.
And
It's been two days now (after missing a day of therapy) that I've been to the physiotherapist and I already want to throw up.
Initially, I loved the beeping sound coming out of his machine but as I realized, ironically, each beep took the lives out of my face bit by bit as much as it stimulated back lives into my nerves. The therapist himself had told me that I would recover slowly but, and quote verbatim: "it is unlikely that you'll ever....."
And I hate him for saying that.
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