Drippin' Dirty

My First Heartbreak

eggie | 24-10-2019 |

On the eleventh day of April every year I write you birthday letters filled with unrequited dots of emotions and hyphenated elegies hopelessly hoping you would open and read them.
The last time I tried dialling up your number to ask if you have been keeping fine up there but the line never went through. Maybe it never will. It breaks me but I'll never cease writing to you because that is how I know I can keep you alive in my dreams and memories until I find no breath in me.

Life has never been the same ever since you left. How selfish of you to not think about that! The life you live on the other side now must be blissful and I'm happy you're already home. Yes, I must be foolishly and utterly happy. But what rips my heart open and grips my veins cold tight is; you made it look so so very easy to walk away from loved ones. You made tears the easiest to flow. You broke my heart beyond repair and I've never found a place to mend it. I'll never know how long it drags around, God forbid, dripping out pieces of you. You are a manifestation of sorrow and pain I could ever imagine.

I've always been longing for a profound encountering of you in my dreams so that I get to thank you for the person that you were; the embodiment of grace and devotion. Maybe that'll never happen but oh, how I wish!
Perhaps, I've realised you made pain look like the most beautiful gift to nurture and submission before God, the noblest act to overcome the sufferings in life. I'll never know how though.

I'll only know how to weep silent tears and hide wistful eyes with every passing year writing solitary poems and watch them cascade into rivulets of tears.
If Heaven was a place I could walk past everytime I miss you, I would ask you over and again if you were to ever remember how happily you played your favourite song "This is my Father's World" on reaching home from your college hours and how you used to sing along with so much grace as if it took away your pain words after words and healed your soul. Then I would constantly remind you of how Mom would sing along to that song now like you used to, but with a heavy heart, a teary old eyes and a shaky voice and that, how it crushes me everytime. I would then throw baskets of white tulips plucked from the celestial garden of sorrow on my way back just so you could visit your earthly home whenever you feel missing. My perennial longing!

The 25th of October, 2013 just 23 days after celebrating me and little Portia's birthdays, your mortal remains greeted our bewildered hearts.
Apparently, your departure justified the season of Fall and it rings a bell of reminder in our lives that we have a beautiful place to call home in Heaven, and everything that we are now shall pass.
Maybe you already know how hard it is for us to welcome this day - the day you departed for your heavenly home because it shows everyone how painful it is to see you smiling the grace to glory in a framed photograph.

It has been six years already but you still, and will hold a special place in our hearts till kingdom come.

You are, and will forever be missed, dearest Sis Lotus.
My first heartbreak.

Your family.
♡